Workplace Hazards.

I somehow managed to injure myself at work yesterday. Good lord was there a lot of blood. Seriously, it was a surprising amount. The amount of blood that came out of the body part that the blood was coming out of was astounding.

Let me tell you the story (as if you have an option but to keep reading. My blog is like friggen crack,) about the workman’s compensation claim I will most assuredly be filing.

This severiously sketchy looking individual came in to our store today, and immediately asked me where the most expensive frames were. Ever the vigilant employee, I paid him absolutely no attention as that type of behavior would never set off any alarm bells with anyone. This disheveled man with greasy hair and a ratty, oversized, and totally out of season winter jacked with plenty of pockets clearly had no intention of ever acquiring eyeglass frames without first paying a fair and agreed upon price for them. No no, he was simply in my store to shop.

I mentioned our secret code word to my co-workers, the one we use to indicate that we think thievery is afoot (yes, we have a secret code word!) and my co-workers immediately perked up, ever dutiful, and said, “What?”

Idiots.

For some reason, even though I had absolutely no suspicions regarding this gentleman whatsoever, I moved to a position in the store in which I could watch every single move he made. I’m interested in the human condition, what can I say? My co-workers assisted me by continuing to talk about…boys or…or vampires… or David Cassidy or puppies…or maybe candy and highlighters, I don’t know, whatever the young kids talk about nowadays. I’m sure they were simply trying to lull the man into a sense of security as he rummaged through our product. The fact that they had their backs turned to him heightened the illusion even more that they were paying him no heed.

Anyway, at one point he seemed to have decided that he was not drawing enough attention to himself. Or maybe he had a minor electrical event in his brain, I don’t know, but suddenly his arm flailed out and he knocked over a large, heavy plastic display of frames and a sale poster. The noise it created almost made my co-workers stop talking about their werewolves or the New Kids on the Block or what have you, and certainly startled the gentleman enough for him to realize that he had an important appointment he needed to attend, and he promptly vacated the premises.

I immediately realized the hazard of the improperly balanced display (read: I went off and did something else for a few minutes, then remembered that the display could kill someone. For a while I was okay with that, but then I thought that it might kill someone who could one day make me the heir to his or her fortune, you know, like a Bart Simpson and Mr. Burns kind of thing. Remember the one where Mr. Burns realized he had no heir, so he interviewed all the kids in Springfield and, surprise surprise, chose Bart? But then something happened and Bart gave up the inheritance. I was hoping for that to happen, but without the part where I give up the inheritance. That was stupid of him. Well, I guess he is a cartoon, but still, who gives up a huge massive fortune like that?)

So I figured I should go and repair the display. As I was struggling to put it back in place, my co-workers assisted me by discussing the housing crisis in the United States and the current political situation in Libya, what with Gaddafi’s death and all. Ha ha! I jest! They were talking about how dreamy that Jonathan Taylor Thomas fellow is. Anyway, a roughly 2 foot by 3 foot pane of plastic fell off, and gouged my ear.

At first I thought I must be ok, since I could literally hear nothing at all. That’s a good sign, right? Then I realized that my ear canal was already full of blood. My co-workers promptly rushed to my aid. No wait, I misspelled that. They started laughing at me. Until they saw all the blood. Within about three minutes, I had soaked two entire paper towels with blood while trying to dispense a customer’s glasses. I just kept that side of my head turned away from the customer and tried not to pass out from blood loss or get too much vomit on his shoes. I’m really not too sure why the profusely bleeding person somehow managed to get stuck dispensing someone’s glasses. I mean, one of my co-workers went out to get me some spray-on band-aid stuff (that stuff HURTS! And for some reason it smells like bubble gum. Here’s a sentence I never thought I’d say: “Smell my ear. Does it smell like bubblegum to you?”), and one of my co-workers left early, and another one went for a break, leaving me in the store alone while bleeding—oh, I think I just figured it out.

So anyway, on the WCB form I’m just going to write a link to this blog. Perhaps I will gain a few new readers! But I’m mostly doing it because I’m starting to get dizzy and I can’t reallg shree akll thit wsellllmnjbc sfvdffffdaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa