I often have people asking me why I haven’t posted on my blog lately. Seriously, I get these questions 3, maybe 4 times a year. The demand for blog posts is becoming so overwhelming that I just can’t take it any more. Blogger even threatened to shut down my account if I didn’t keep posting! I must be popular.

Here’s what happened; I was talking on the phone to a very cheerful co-worker of mine who loves her job just…so so so much. It’s great, really, that she enjoys it as much as she does, but she doesn’t seem to understand people who don’t truly desire to spend all of their time at work. So anyway, we’re on the phone and she mentions that she’s read the blog, and she’s concerned because it seems that I don’t like my job very much. I think she actually told me that I seem angry about my job. I’m not too sure where she got that idea. She then started to wonder how our regional manager might respond to reading my blog. She wondered this out loud in the tone of voice that is usually reserved for wondering how one’s family will react upon hearing that one has been eating the mushrooms growing from the tree stump in the back yard for the last 6 months, and performing lewd acts to the lawn mower. (Not well, that’s the answer.)

Anyway, apparently I like my job enough to want to keep it (or I did at the time, anyway!) so I elected to stop posting.

Several months later, my regional manager asked me why I had stopped posting on my blog. After making a mess in my pants (I had a pen in my pocket that exploded) I explained the scenario. It turns out that my regional manager liked my blog! Huzzah! I was up to 5 whole readers!!! Then and there, I decided I would start posting again.

In 5 months.

Now that I’m working, going to school again full time, and my best friend’s man-of-honor, I figure this is the best time to start writing blog posts again. I’ve never had more free time!

So anyway, on to the actual post. Recently, my company mailed out a simply massive amount of coupons for some free cleaning products. They have actually been bringing people in, and many of these people really do buy glasses. The coupons are working. (Hi regional manager! I like my job!)

But we definitely have some people who clearly only want to receive the free product and leave, but feel incredibly awkward just handing me the coupon. So they make extremely awkward small talk as if they are really considering buying glasses. It goes something like this:

Customer. No, wait, NOT customer. Free Product Wanter: So hiiii, how are you?
Me: I’m great thanks, how are you?
FPW: I’m…I’m gooooood. So you guys, you, ah, sell glaaaases here, heyyy? (They always drag out their vowels. Seriously, do they think they sound casual? Because really, they just sound kind of stoned. Or like they have a van out in the parking lot with the windows painted black and full of candy and puppies.)

Me: Yup. Glasses…

FPW: So how, like, do you maaaake them? (Start fondling some frames.)

Me: Um, with machines?

FPW: Cooool, wow.

Me: Soooo…is there something I can help you with? (Note: At this point there are usually several legitimate customers who really want to give me money.)

FPW: I’m just kind of, you know, just kind of looking around. (Picks up a child’s frame, tries to cram it on their face. Realizing it doesn’t fit, places it gently in the middle of the floor.)

Me: Oh…kaaaay. Let me know if you need a hand at all. I’ll just go help these people out…

FPW: Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, by the waaaaay, I have this coupon here…(starts drooling as they hand me a moist, crumpled coupon.)

Me: Oh really, I didn’t realize! (I totally realized.) Let me go grab that for you.

FPW: (grabs the free cleaner and immediately sprints out the door, shoving through the line of 47 some-odd people who have been waiting for me.)

Do these people think it’s rude to come in and NOT waste my time? Do they feel obligated to pretend they’re shopping? Do they think I’ll judge them incredibly harshly and talk about them on my blog if they don’t hide the fact that all they want is some free crap?

The good news is that we are starting to run out of the free cleaners. Oh my god, maybe that’s terrible news. No, NO! I don’t want to even THINK about how these people will react when they go through the whole fake-shopping thing only to realize that I don’t have anything to give them! It will be like those teenagers who go out after 10 on Halloween after people have blown out the candles in their jack-o-lanterns and turned off their porch lights, but they still go up and pound on the door and ring the doorbell and yell “trick-or treat” and start laughing like it’s some sort of joke, because it IS some sort of joke, because if you don’t give them treats then you will most definitely be tricked, like the kind of trick where you suddenly see a pumpkin flying through your living room window all evil glaring and shards of glass and oh god is it BLEEDING?!?!? Why is the pumpkin BLEEDING!?!?!?

Oh my goodness, I hope I get fired.