The Dirties.

Screw this whole “working on homework” crap. My marketing assignment can wait. I have much more important things to attend to.

The first one: Bathing. Haven’t done that in a while! Whoops!

Okay I’m back. Who knew that having one shower could corrode the pipes like that? The plumber was quite drained when he was done. One might say he pulled the plug on our problems. He sure did flush our plumbing issues away. In fact, we showered him with praise. But he was such a tubby fella. I had to wrench the chocolate bar from him so he could work! Okay, I'm done, I promise!

Hey speaking of bathing, why do I have to be in a somewhat clean state to go to work, and yet some of my customers, well, they just don’t? (Wow I seriously didn’t plan this! I had my whole blog post planned out, tossed in that bit about me not showering in a while, and now my post is about just that! HI-LARIOUS!)

You know the type of people I’m talking about; greasy hair, dirty, rumpled, stained clothes, stink lines wafting over their shoulders, plants withering and dying in their wake, children crying, nuns openly cursing, birds literally—literally—falling out of the sky as they fly overhead, planes crashing into mountains, satellites falling out of orbit and burning down neighborhoods, the moon suddenly exploding, giant fragments of it whipping through the sky like North Korean nuclear warheads, the sun going supernova, turning into a swirling, twisting, writhing vortex of a black hole of absolute filthy stink…Okay, I may be getting a little bit carried away here. I apologize, I know I’m normally a fairly restrained individual. But anyway, my point still stands, which is that some people out there are absolutely gross.

Which is why I really really like it (really!) when they come in to my store to buy glasses. You know, because buying glasses is nothing if not removed from one another. I don’t spend hours of my day near people, getting my face within inches of theirs, staring intently, touching their heads, behind their ears, their noses—wait, should I be the one complaining about these people? Maybe I’m the creep show. Oh well.

My favorite part of dealing with the stank people is that they always happen to be the close talkers. Why? Why is this? I really do want to know! Can’t they tell when they move toward me that I keep moving away? So smelly guy takes a step forward and I take another step back, maybe trip on something, another step, I try to find an obstacle to put between us like a chair or a desk or a large brick wall of some sort, another step around the object and he’s right there beside me, asking me to put some glasses on him, another step, I fall backward and start half-running-half-crab-walking trying to get away, another step, I retch, another step and my eyes start welling up (both from the fumes and the fear that I may actually suffocate on his smell, good god what a terrible way to die that would be! Can you imagine suffocating on someone’s smell? Ugh that just took over drowning as my number one worst way to die!), another step and there’s vomit dribbling down my chin (and his too, but that’s been there for a while), another step and, well, I don’t know how it ends because I normally black out. When I regain consciousness smelly guy is normally gone and my co-workers have managed to clean me up a little bit.

Anyway, moving away from smell, one of my other favorite types of customers is the one who clearly never ever cleans their glasses and then comes in to get them adjusted. This is honestly one of the most disgusting things I have ever experienced in my life, and the layperson will have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about (it’s just so unexpectedly gross!) so I need to give you a diagram.

You know the nosepads on metal frames? The plasticy doo-dads that sit on the bridge of your nose? They are attached to the frames with little metal hooks, like so:

You have no idea how long that took me. Although I must admit, considering I did that using just the shapes on Microsoft Word, that is a dang good looking rendering of a pair of spectacles, if I do say so myself. But yes, moving on, the orange parts are what I’m talking about. The grossest thing, the most absolutely worst thing I can ever experience is when there is some green ass junk growing all the hell over those, sometimes growing on to the lenses, like this:

Ew! Ew it’s just the yuckiest! I seriously want to tell these people that they need to go home and clean their glasses before I touch them and it gets on me and into my skin and my blood and multiplies and turns me into one of the gremlins who can’t be fed at night and you can’t let water touch them and then I’ll become one of the gross people!!!